Fly the Friendly Skies

My flight to Houston was 2 hours and 18 minutes. That's an important detail in this little story.

Like a good little girl, I went to the restroom before I boarded the plane. But for some reason about 30 minutes into the flight I had to go again. Maybe it has something to do with altitude and pressure changes on my bladder or the coffee I drank at home. Who knows.

I head back to the restroom and lock the door. No light comes on. So my first thought is that I didn't slide the lever into the locked position. So I open the door and close it again and slide the lever shut. Still no light. Try again. Nothing. I am sure the people in the back of the plane are starting to formulate some opinions about the girl in the bathroom who keeps opening and closing the door.

Then I second guess myself even though I've flown hundreds of times. Is there a light switch in the airplane bathroom? I feel around for one. The germaphobe in me is freaking out touching all those nasty surfaces. Nope. No light switch.

Do you know how dark an airplane bathroom is? No lights. None. No crack with a little light filtering through. Pitch dark.

At this point I had waited too long. I REALLY had to go to the bathroom and couldn't hold it so I proceded in the darkness hoping that I wouldn't miss. (Sorry if this is too gross for you.) See, I am a squatter and that is all I am going to say about that. On a level of difficulty scale, this bathroom trip was a 9.825. It would have been a 10 if I were on crutches or had a small child with me.

But here's the kicker: I finish (sucessfully) and wash my hands. I walk out and the flight attendant happens to be near the back of the plane by my seat. I could not make this up if I tried.
Me: Did you know the light is out in the bathroom?
Flight Attendant: Yes. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. They can't fix it until we get to Houston.
Me: (just staring at her with a dumbfounded look)
FA: Good thing going to the bathroom is one of those things we do everyday so we can still do it in the dark.
Me: (fake laugh) yeah, good thing???

No lie. Then finally at about the 1 hour and 30 minute mark (remember the flight is only 2 hrs 18 min), the flight attendant comes on and says this:
"Ladies and gentlemen, the light is not working in the lavatory. It will be fixed when we get to Houston. In the meantime, there is a flashlight next to the wall of the lavatory IF you need it. But please return it since it is a part of our emergency equipment."

Seriously? Do you think you could have offered the flashlight option, oh I don't know, at the beginning of the flight when she KNEW there was no light?

That same airline (I won't use names but it rhymes with Dontinental) now charges $50 to be put on the list to fly standby. I was going to try to get an earlier flight home on Monday and I asked the agent if I could do that. She said it would cost $50. There were three people on the list ahead of me so I asked her what would happen if I didn't get a seat. Her response? You'll lose $50. I asked her to explain it again because clearly I was missing something. Same story. You have to pay just to get on the list whether you actually get the seat or not. Wait, am I in Houston or Vegas? Because that sounds like gambling to me!